Mar
15th
Ides of March

caesar_camuccini

The lead suspect in the shocking Julius Caesar murder case insists the crime was justified because the victim was “wrecking the place.” Marcus Brutus, 43, was charged today with the brutal premeditated murder of the 55-year old general and statesman.  Caesar, best known as the guy who ran Rome, was stabbed 23 times by up to dozen perpetrators. Brutus is believed to have delivered the fatal blow. A total of 60 individuals have been implicated in the conspiracy.

According to investigators, Caesar considered the defendant a close friend; the two men shared a love of politics and were often seen lunching together. Before collapsing from the vicious attack, Caesar reportedly whispered “Et tu, Brute?” in what witnesses describe as a sad tone. The defendant’s stunning betrayal is one that may not sit well with jurors, if the case ever makes it to trial.

Clad in a flowing, ecru-hued toga,  Brutus appeared dazed but defiant as he pled nolo contesto to first-degree murder, conspiracy to commit murder, obstruction of justice, and wielding a dagger with intent to maim, ridicule, or harm. Although the prosecution is confident it has a slam dunk case, legal scholars warn against underestimating Team Brutus. The defense has already lined up XXV character witnesses who will testify that Brutus is a respectable and honorable man. Meanwhile, the portrait of Caesar that has emerged is far from sympathetic. A reported megalomaniac, he commissioned statues of himself, put his own image on coins, kept all the best oak leaves for his own headpiece, and as even Cicero admits, “liked to strut around town like he owned the place.”

Post Categories: Shenanigans

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