The lead suspect in the shocking Julius Caesar murder case insists the crime was justified because the victim was “wrecking the place.” Marcus Brutus, 43, was charged today with the brutal premeditated murder of the 55-year old general and statesman. Caesar, best known as the guy who ran Rome, was stabbed 23 times by up to dozen perpetrators. Brutus is believed to have delivered the fatal blow. A total of 60 individuals have been implicated in the conspiracy. According to investigators, Caesar considered the defendant a close friend; the two men shared a love of politics and were often seen lunching together. Before collapsing from the vicious attack, Caesar reportedly whispered “Et tu, Brute?” in what witnesses describe as a sad tone. The defendant’s stunning betrayal is one that may not sit well with jurors, if the case ever makes it to trial. Clad in a flowing, ecru-hued toga, Brutus appeared dazed but defiant as he pled nolo contesto to first-degree murder, conspiracy to commit murder, obstruction of justice, and wielding a dagger with intent to maim, ridicule, or harm. Although the prosecution is confident it has a slam dunk case, legal scholars warn against underestimating Team Brutus. The defense has already lined up XXV character witnesses who will testify that Brutus is a respectable and honorable man. Meanwhile, the portrait of Caesar that has emerged is far from sympathetic. A reported megalomaniac, he commissioned statues of himself, put his own image on coins, kept all the best oak leaves […]
Reading and writing about crime all the time has a way of making you paranoid. I know the safety odds are in my favor, but I like to hedge my bets—so I keep a hammer in my car. I bought it at a local hardware store for $2.99. It has a rubber handle and a shiny silver head. I keep it under the driver’s seat, just in case I have to fend off a crazed maniac, or help a friend hang some pictures. A hammer is also handy for smashing windows open in the off-chance you drive off a bridge and get trapped inside your car. You never know… Sometimes I park my car in an unmanned municipal garage near the train station. The later it gets, the creepier the garage becomes. Once a guy gave me a serious case of the heebie jeebies when he appeared out of nowhere, and literally lurched toward the elevator I had just stepped into. He had a weird facial tic and smelled like roasted turkey. I thought I was a goner for sure. Fortunately, he was just a fellow parker, albeit a strange one. Last week I left my car in that same lot. I was meeting friends for drinks and couldn’t find better parking. Knowing that it would be another late night, I decided I needed to bring some sort of protection with me. Pepper spray would have been a lot easier and lighter to tote around town, but alas, I had […]
It’s true: I am a degenerate candy addict. If you leave candy unattended, chances are I will eat it. Immediately. Seems like I’m not the only one. Artist Rey Reynoso brought this story to my attention: Someone broke into a Pennsylvania home and stole a bunch of jelly beans. The burglar knocked out a window in the front door and swiped a jar of jelly beans off the dining room table. The rest of the home—and property—was left untouched. Police speculate the perpetrator was scared off before s/he could steal any valuables. As for me, I think maybe the thief simply had a sweet tooth. That said, I have an alibi for last night: I was home in New York, eating Now & Laters.